Monday, June 4, 2012

Guilty Anxiety

Warning:  be prepared to be weirded out by my manic subconscious.  But it's been bugging me lately, so here it is:

I have an issue with anxiety.  And guilt.  The two mixed together are not fun for others.  Or so I'm told by those who are willing to be honest with me.  I try not to notice too much because then I will feel guilty.  Or anxious.   

I'm usually worried about something, whether it's something small or something huge.  I always have a mental string of "projects."  Typically I worry about school--not getting things planned quickly enough, not having enough copies, not being signed up for the presentation room when I need to show movies (if you're one of my school buddies reading this post and you've noticed that I frequent the IMC sign up binder "just to check", that's why!).  I worry about whether I know enough about the novel I'm teaching, whether I grade quickly enough, whether the kids are going to pass the ECA.  I worry that I'll forget something important, like a date that I've made something due or that I'll miss some meeting that I need to go to.  I worry that I utilize my lunch too much as a prep and don't get to see my friends enough in the lounge during lunch break.  Mostly I worry that I worry too much.  Isn't that stupid?  If I take a step back to examine things, I recognize that a lot of the things I worry about I cannot help.  After this, I feel guilty that I worry so much.  I've survived 23 years of my life with no major misfortunes.  Surely I shouldn't worry.  

But when I don't worry, I feel guilty about not being worried.  When you're me, there's always something to complete next.  There's always some sort of worry that goes along with that next task.  So when I'm not doing something related to that task, I feel bad.  My parents used to get on my case when I'd lounge around and entertain the idea that I was bored.  I didn't dare be bored or not doing something!  Now look where it's gotten me. 

This past week has been glorious.  I've gotten many errands done and I've successfully cleaned out/organized multiple closets, dressers, etc.  Kyle even did the garage by himself because he knew it was on my project list.  My house is clean and I've done a little bit of reading from three different books (I felt guilty that I wasn't getting to them quickly enough that I started all of them.  Now I feel guilty that I haven't completed a single one.  And I feel anxious that I never will complete one!).  Girls camp duties for church are coming along a-okay.  I've taken naps and caught up on my sleep.  Kyle and I have taken walks nearly every other night.  I've made dinner a couple of times...I even planned the next week's meals and made a detailed shopping list!  But the feeling continues to creep in...

...Anxiety.

I've gotten some teaching materials recently in the mail that I'll need to begin tweaking my plans for the first semester of next year.  But I don't want to do it, of course.  I've been out of school less than a week.  I deserve the opportunity to be lazy, right?  Bad, bad!  When will it get done if you don't worry about it soon?  I can't wait until August to begin!  And the sad thing is that I'm looking at my June calendar and it is mostly full.  And that's not even considering the upstairs remodel.  Won't that take most (if not all) of July?  So I should feel guilty about not working on school stuff?

Let's not even touch the remodeling process!  I can't believe we haven't even jumped on that yet.  

And when will we camp?  And what about that whole stack of books I want to read?  And reading Kyle's book?  And working out throughout the week?  

I obsess about not getting things done so much to the point where if I'd just quit talking about it and actually do it, I could have finished the task.  For example, it's taken me 10 minutes to write this blog post.  I feel guilty that I've written it now.  I feel guilty because I could have been doing something else, but I didn't.  But I'm not going to erase it, because that'd make me feel doubly bad...time TRULY wasted.

I have a problem.  My problem is that I feel guilty and anxious because I can't do everything.

 And I feel guilty about having that problem.

1 comment:

  1. A very wise friend once told me that guilt is for sin. And that's all. It's not a sin to relax a little, and it's certainly not a sin to feel anxious. I think ALL women have unnecessary guilt. We're just a bit annoying like that. :) Don't even get me started on how guilty I feel when I have a raging migraine many days a week and have to lie in bed instead of take care of my family or work on projects. And, is it my fault I have migraines? Of course not! Is it a sin? Absolutely not! So, I am working on the guilt thing. Baby steps. Maybe we can have an intervention meeting. :)

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