Friday, May 29, 2009

Remember When It Rained?

So this blog isn't about anything that's been on my mind lately.  I wanted to post a blog but couldn't think of anything really that I felt like blogging about.  So I went to my iTunes and picked a song and let it inspire me.  

So the very first song that caught my attention was Josh Groban's "Remember When It Rained."  

I like Josh Groban.  He's got a wonderful voice and sings really amazing songs with great messages.  I don't listen to him enough, probably.  The only reason that one of his songs was up first on my list is because my iTunes by default displayed first the songs that I'd recently added to my collection.  Which includes this particular song, obviously.  And it includes this song because I snuck onto my sister's laptop while she was out the other day and dropped some of her better songs from her iTunes onto my flashdrive.  In essence, I stole this song.

Anyway, Josh Groban.  How did I get introduced to Josh Groban?  I'm pretty sure it was Jared's fault.  There was a particular song, I think, but I can't remember if Jared made me listen to it and I liked it or if Jared recommended Josh Groban and that was the first song of his that I listened's been years and years.  Probably like four or five.  I think it was sophomore year of high school, actually.

Oh wait!  He went to a Josh Groban concert.  In Fort Wayne, I think.  That's how we got to talking about it.  He was really excited about the whole thing.  He got them from someone in the church...I wish I could remember who.  I think he said like someone's aunt.  Actually, this is weird, but I think it was Betty Jo's aunt.  Ironic, huh?  I could be totally wrong, but....weird.  That's what I remember.  I loved Josh Groban immediately and became addicted.  And now that song "You're Still You" makes me think of Jared and no one else.  It doesn't even really apply, but, you know, I can't help what my mind triggers. 

Anyway.  "Remember When It Rained" was on his second CD--you know the one..."You Lift Me Up," anyone?  "Remember" is such a sad song.  Here are the words:

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.

Oh...Remember when it rained?
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Oh...Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.

Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

Oh...Remember when it rained?
I felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Oh...Remember when it rained.
In the water I remain...

Running down
Running down
Running down

I began listening to this song a lot after Thomas left, mostly because it's pretty melancholy, and I was pretty depressed.  Not a good time in my life.  I remember occasionally putting the music on and sitting in my dark closet and crying, willing it to rain on me.  In the darkness I remained.  

That's what that song's meant to me for all these months...depression and anger and sorrow and resentfulness and desperation.  I was thinking about all of this as I considered how different things are now, how I never let myself reach that threshold of depression anymore and how I'm surrounded by beautiful people who care for me.  Most importantly, I became part of the most wonderful church anyone could ever hope to become involved in.  They love me and don't care what's happened to me before as long as I'm repenting with a broken heart and contrite spirit.  And then it hit me...

...this song is a conversion story.  

And not just any conversion story--my conversion story.

It just fits.  I don't even need to explain it to myself.  Now the song is beautiful and gives me hope instead of forcing me to remember those awful feelings I had after someone I cared about went away.  When we cannot do things ourselves, we need the Lord.  Sometimes we don't look for Him until we are humbled into realizing we cannot it alone.  We become hopeful.  We develop a new love for Him that cannot die, and He changes us from the inside out.  We call for Him again and again, sometimes in the same pleading voice as before, sometimes not.  But we always seek Him.  And just like in baptism, we can be fully immersed in His love.

For the first time ever, I smiled as I listened to this song!  I hope everyone can Remember When It Rained. 

In the water I'll remain.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Work and projects.

Summer so far...aaaaahhhhhh...I've gotten more work than I'd assumed I would!  This is very nice, especially in the paycheck area.  This is only my second weekday off since school let out, and because I don't get days off that often, I'm able to enjoy them.  I also get to work tomorrow, and also on Thursday before I go see Kyle for the weekend (yay!).  It's good to know that even if I don't get called in to sub, I have something to fall back on!

So I've only subbed twice so far.  I'm a little sad about that and wish I could get more work with the school (I need the experience), but every time I get on facebook, I see returned college kids commenting on their statuses about subbing at schools, so I get it.  Everyone's doing it.  It's easy money.  And that's okay, really.  I'm glad for my experiences that I've had so far--two REALLY different experiences!

So the first time was the very first Monday I was home, and I got to fill-in for the Nutrition and Wellness teacher at the high school.  Basically what that consisted of was taking attendance and pushing play on the DVD player (I watched Supersize Me like 4 times that day).  The kids were pretty good...I had some discipline problems but was able to sort it out pretty easily.  All I had to do was raise my voice and remind them that I was in charge and I wasn't writing passes, dealing with talking, and tolerating any kind of disruption.  It was rocky at the beginning of every class, but they caught on pretty quick, and they respected me.  When I taught second grade, though....


When I walked into the elementary school, the smell of disgusting school lunches completely overwhelmed me.  Bleh.  I'm never going to force my kids to eat school lunches.  They're expensive, over-rated, and disgusting.  I could probably do better packing lunches for my kids.  And they'd be healthier.  

Anyway, all the furniture was small, so that made me feel really big and...gigantic.  Plus, everywhere I looked, noses had to be wiped.  Germs were everywhere.  But, maybe I'd like it.  So I decided to keep an open mind.  Forget the fact that it was open concept, so once I got into my little classroom, five other teachers' rooms were within the space that I could throw one of my kids.  But anyway, my students were cute.  As individuals.  Collectively, they were annoying.  On one hand, they were very helpful.  On the other, when they wanted to tell me something, they had to come stand by me and hold my hand and pull on my clothes.  When I was at the reading rug, all the girls had to touch my shoes and bracelets and engagement ring and hair.  I had at least every student come up once during the day and tell me they had a stomach ache and had to go to the nurse.  Or they had a fever.  Or their throat hurt.  Or they've broken their arm at recess (they were able to move it and admitted to never falling on it or anything).  Or they wanted to get a drink.  Or go to the bathroom.  Or go talk to the principal.  Or get a library book.  Or that their real teacher let them do whatever they wanted.  And the tattling!  It was ridiculous.   "Samantha and Ethan were holding hands at recess!"  So?  "Well we're not allowed to have boyfriends or girlfriends!  We're only 8!"  Kids should learn to mind their own business.  "Are you married?  What's your husband's name?  Do you have babies?  Are you going to be our teacher forever?"  I love children.  I want to have children.  I actually want to have lots of children.  But they will be mine.  And I can tell them to quit tattling and mind their own business, etc.  I just don't like hanging out with children as a full-time job.  Bleh.

So aside from subbing and packing eggs, I've started my own project.  I've taken it upon myself (I act like this was for fun--I would have had to do it anyway) to buy paint and make my dresser for the house match my bedframe for the house.  Now my dresser isn't nasty 70's cream and gold and my bed is not chintzy green!  They're both a wonderful deep brown.  Which I think would be nice for the scheme of our bedroom in the Muncie house.  

Kyle says he doesn't want a girly comforter (even though I think if he's really tired, he won't care what he sleeps under), so I'm thinking something like a solid color.  I saw a really cute picture of a bedroom where everything was a shade of brown or white and the comforter was red and it looked amazing, simple, and do-able.  So I've decided that this will be our bedroom!  As far as other rooms in the house go, I have no idea.  I'm sure my parents are committed to putting white beadboard up in the dining room and kitchen, so I think a nice shade of yellow would look good in there.  As far as the living room and bathroom are concerned, though, I have no idea.  Something light for the bathroom, though, because it makes it look bigger.  But that's as far as I know.  

Also, we've ordered windows for the house!  They should be in sometime early June.  The cabinets have been put off for another three or so weeks, though, so those will be coming mid-way through June.  *Sigh.  The trick is to coordinate everything (and everyone) to go at once.  So far this hasn't happened.  Maybe this should start happening...mmmmmm....

But yeah.  That's that right now.  Yep.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Today I came home to begin summer break...

Summer?!  Really?

Yeah.  I think this might be one of the hardest summers of my life.  I've never really liked summer too much and I have yet to have a good one.  When I was in elementary school, I hated summer because I missed my teachers and my friends and I cried because I couldn't go to the school library once a week anymore and that was just devastating to me.  Then when I got into middle school, I hated summer because that meant 4-H and not going anywhere because I couldn't drive and never seeing my friends who had cool moms who took them places so they could hang out with their secret boyfriends.  I was so jealous.

Then when I was able to drive, I had to get a job!  Awwww, man!  So I spent a whole summer just working and sweating all day and it was awful because I was really heavy still and I wanted to vomit everyday.  When I lost weight by the next summer, it got better, but then I had a confusing relationship and it was awful because I couldn't see him or understand what he wanted.  Then the next summer, I had become part of a relationship with that guy, but he moved to Asia and I was severely depressed and worked my sorrows away.  

Last summer I began seeing someone else, but the baggage from the first relationship made it hard to sustain that one, and when I could, Guy #2 was living far away.  

This summer I'm engaged to Guy #2, but he's still living far away.  And I don't have a job.  I'm stressed because I don't get to see Kyle, I don't have any work to occupy my time, and I have to worry about planning a wedding and remodeling a house.   Not to mention Guy #1 comes home and I haven't seen him for two years so it'll be weird.  

I have no idea what to do right now.  My mind is still fried from finals!  I'd like to sleep and stay awake all at the same time, if that makes any sense.  Like I need the sleep, but if I succumb something else will happen, and I can't have that.  I suppose I'm not given anything I can't handle, but Heavenly Father is really testing me this week.  

Hopefully tomorrow I can finish unpacking and rearranging my room and work on something not related to finding a job or thinking about school or worrying about my wedding that I can just calm down and focus...

The wedding plans are going okay.  Remember, if you want updates on that, go to!  The house is also coming right along in its remodeling, so I can at least be thankful for that!